


No They're Not

by bandhoez9194



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Sex, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Drabble, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Fluff, Drabble, Drunk Sex, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hot Sex, Kinky, Light BDSM, Light Bondage, Light Dom/sub, M/M, PWP, Phanfiction, Sexy Times, Why is it that whenever i write kinky shit it's phan?, tied up, who the fuck knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 03:48:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10959018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bandhoez9194/pseuds/bandhoez9194
Summary: Against Phil's better judgement, Dan goes to a small house party with friends. He had been assured by both Dan and the party host that there would be no alcohol after all.Unfortunately, someone else has a change of plans and gets Dan drunk anyway. Which makes him start talking about buttholes and storage places.When Phil picks him up though, things get soft, steamy, and bendy, just like the spaghetti he left on the stove.Very sexy, very smutty, very random, very cute. Also, drunk Dan so who doesn't like that?





	No They're Not

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of smut, but trust me, it's all consensual. Blindfolds, cock ring, Dan gets tied up, yep. Hella hot. Enjoy ;)

Dan was at Conner's, while I was at home trying to make some dinner. He was due home in about 30 minutes, and I was just waiting for his text. I slipped the noodles into the pan, since Dan had mentioned wanting spaghetti a few days ago. I had decided I wanted to surprise him with it, something nice.

My phone chimed but I dismissed it, more focused on the noodles. It chimed again and I glanced at it, but was quickly distracted as the water started bubbling over.

"Shoot," I said quickly, messing with the flame under the burner to lower it. Twice more it chimed and I finally was able to check it. I read what Dan had sent me and I raised an eyebrow confused.

**From: Danny**

_**Dude** _  
_**Buttholes are like pockets** _  
_**Like you can store stuff up there** _  
_**And keep it safe** _

I let out a laugh of incredulousness and shook my head. What even was my best friend?

**To: Danny**

_**No they are not** _  
_**Don't do that** _

I shook my head and went back to cooking, quickly finishing up and setting it aside. My phone chimed and I glanced at it, realising it was Conner.

**From: Franta-tastic**

_**Dude, I didn't mean for this to happen but Dan is a little tipsy You might need to come get him now** _

I rolled my eyes again and covered the food. Dan wasn't really a lightweight, so if he was tipsy someone must have purposely given him alcohol. I knew he was with Conner, the Dolan Twins, Joey and Shane, but I didn't really know which of them could have brought the alcohol.

I grabbed my keys and jacket, walking out to the car. I started it and headed off down the road, turning on the radio and smiling. I had a bit of a different taste of music than Dan, and while I enjoyed what he played, he didn't exactly enjoy what I played. Sleeping With Sirens The Strays was playing, and I couldn't really listen to this with him around. It 'scared' him.

Three songs later and I was pulling up to Conner's house, seeing more cars than I expected. I got out and went inside, seeing a small party going on. Dan was being forced to sit on the couch and I saw Conner holding his phone away from him, saying, "Dan, please. Phil will be here soon, he can take you home. I'm not letting you have your phone until he gets here."

"Right here Conner," I called, walking over. The relief on his face was rather comedic and he turned to me, saying, "Thank fucking God, I don't know who gave him the alcohol, I didn't even know we had any! Here, take his phone, and take him home, I don't want him to hurt himself accidentally."

I chuckled lightly and pocketed his phone, turning to my best friend. He had finally caught sight of me and his eyes lit up. "Philly! You're here!" he cheered, staggering to his feet and latching onto my neck as he almost fell. "How much do you think he had? He's not a lightweight," I asked and Conner shook his head. "I think one of the twins gave him a couple shots of 70 proof vodka with a couple moonshine cherries, which I barely caught after his third one. He isn't completely wasted I think, but I'm not so sure," he said, trailing off as Dan started mouthing at my neck.

I rolled my eyes and said, "Dan, stop, please we need to get you home." He whined and rested his head on my shoulder, yawning. I sighed fondly and shook my head, telling Conner, "Thanks mate, I'll call you later." He nodded and I carefully supported Dan's weight, carrying him out to the car.

I got him buckled into the passenger seat and got in the driver's side, starting the car. Some Pierce The Veil came on and Dan's eyes widened. It was Bulls In The Bronx so it wasn't surprising. I laughed at Dan's expression and quickly turned off the radio, the relief on his face making me laugh some more.

Dan reached over and grabbed my thigh, making me jump. I quickly grabbed his hand and held it in mine, saying, "I'm driving Dan, don't do that." He whined and I saw him adjust himself in his pants. I rolled my eyes, having experienced all of his drunk sides, especially his horny side. He's gotten cheerful, playful, depressing, angry, and stoic. But the most predominate side of him was definitely the horny side.

I glanced over at him again and found him palming at his lap, making me swallow. We'd had several one night stands, never making it awkward between us, but rather we grew closer. I already knew I'd fallen for the dork ages ago, but I wasn't quite sure how he felt.

I reached over and grabbed his other hand, telling him, "You can wait till we're home, Dan. If you want me to help, you can wait." He whimpered again, but nodded, folding his hands in his lap in an image of submission. He was such a bottom, it was amusing.

We got home quickly and I helped him inside, throwing our things onto the couch and leading him upstairs. Thankfully, I had dinner covered, and honestly, spaghetti tasted better once it had time to sit in a fridge. I pulled Dan into my bedroom and pressed him against my wall, an eyebrow raised. We'd done this while both sober and needy, or both drunk. I've never done this while he was slightly drunk and I was completely sober, and wasn't sure if I should do this.

I kissed at his jaw and said, "Are you sure you want to do this, babe?" He nodded quickly and I would have sworn I heard him say, "love you, want you." I tried to dismiss what I thought I heard and instead pressed my mouth to his. He sighed happily against my mouth and tried to grab my shoulders. Instead of letting him, I grabbed his hands and held them over his head, making him shiver.

I kissed up his neck and jaw, making him moan. I pulled him over to the bed and straddled him, grinding down onto him. He groaned, trying to pull his hands away from mine but I wouldn't let go. "No, baby, you did this to yourself," I cooed softly and he whimpered, stopping his moving. I nodded approvingly, reaching over and grabbing one of my scarves. I set it in my lap and quickly tugged his shirt off, so I wouldn't have to do it later. I tied his hands together then tied them to the bed post, making him gasp.

"Phil," he gasped but I quickly placed my hand over his mouth. "Don't speak, baby boy, not until I say you can. Listen, and I'll let you cum," I said and he nodded, keeping his mouth closed. I smiled down at the wreck of a boy under me, his eyes wide and dilated and breathing heavy. I ran my fingers down his chest, flicking at his nipples momentarily and making him squirm before trailing down to where his waistband was.

I undid his jeans and unzipped them slowly, teasingly. He bit his lip in an attempt to stay quiet, and tense from trying to keep from squirming. "My wonderful boy," I whispered fondly and his eyes lit up in pleasure. I removed his jeans and boxers, leaving him completely bare. I stood up and admired him for a second, a flush creeping along his cheeks and neck.

I smiled fondly and quickly removed my clothes, grabbing the lube and condom from my bedside table. I stood over him and grabbed a couple of the toys we'd collected over the last couple years since our first time, mainly a cock ring and a medium sized dildo. It wouldn't stretch him much, it was mainly for teasing. I didn't let him see what I had, hiding it out of his view. I grabbed another scarf and tied this one over his eyes.

"If this gets too much, you know the safe word, correct?" I asked and he nodded. "What is it?" I asked, wanting to make sure he knew and he whispered, "Green for okay, yellow for slow down and red for stop." I smiled proudly and kissed him gently. "Good job baby," I told him and he smiled, obviously proud of himself.

I carefully slipped the ring over his hard on making him gasp against the coolness of it. "Wh-Why?" he whispered and I flicked his head in punishment for talking. He closed his mouth quickly and lowered his head in submission. I nodded to myself and moved between his legs, making sure his entrance was shown to me. I covered my fingers in the lube and gently started pushing a single finger in. He bit his lip in attempt to keep quiet and I whispered proudly, "Good job love, stay quiet for me." He smiled proudly and made sure not to move.

I pumped the single finger a couple times before adding the second one. I added the third after only a second, pumping for just a few moments. I pulled my fingers out and he let out an involuntary whine, seeming to realise what he did immediately. His mouth quickly closed again but the noise had still escaped. I flicked his rim and he jerked, a small cry coming from his mouth. I tutted and he shrank back, mouth closing tightly again.

"Stay quiet love, or you won't be allowed to cum," I said and he nodded quickly. I ran a hand over my shaft quickly, relieving some of the pressure building up. I picked up the small dildo, putting little lube on it and slipping it into Dan, working it in and out of him swiftly. He tensed his shoulders in an attempt to not move but he failed as he pressed down on the small object. I ran a hand over his hard on, pumping it a couple times. I knew the extra stimulation would start to hurt him, a few small beads of precum coming out of his slit but no more.

"No moving, Daniel," I said sternly and he nodded again, trying not to move his bottom half. I turned the vibrations in the dildo on and he let out a strangled cry. I didn't punish him for that one, that was inevitable. "You like that baby boy?" I asked and he panted out a single, "mhm," and let his head fall back. I grinned and started moving the dildo, hoping to find his prostate.

A loud moan told me I did after a minute or two, and I smirked to myself. I pulled the small object out of him and he let out a quiet whine, pulling on the restraints on his wrists. I slipped the condom onto myself and lubed myself up, knowing this stretch was more than the dildo and my fingers. I lined myself up and pushed in slowly, his mouth gaping open.

"When I come and if you behave, I'll take the ring off okay?" I said as I bottomed out, closing my eyes in pleasure as he tightened around me. He whispered, "Please, Phil, please, let me come," and I tutted. I pulled out and slammed back in, making his back arch and a small cry come from his mouth. "No noise, love, or I won't let you," I said and he nodded, biting his lip. I started rocking into him, angling myself to try and find his prostate again.

A shiver and a muffled moan told me a few thrusts later that I succeeded. I smiled and started thrusting as hard as I could against that one spot, making his body squirm against mine. "Phil! Please, fuck, take it off, please!" He cried and I raised an eyebrow. I felt my end come near so I said, "Only after I finish baby, can you do that?" He groaned but nodded, straining against the scarf on his hands.

"C-can you remove the blindfold at least? Pl- fuck, please?" he whimpered, arching against my thrusts again. I reached over as my thrusts grew sloppier the closer I grew to my climax and removed the fabric from his eyes. He blinked rapidly and I almost choked at the look of pure love in his eyes.

He squirmed some more, eyes falling closed as his head fell back. I could see some tears gather in his eyes as his climaxed was still denied and desperation grew on his face. "Phil, love, pl-please, let me, ah, l-let," he stuttered his way through the sentence, unable to finish. I felt proud of that and as his eyes opened to stare at me, my hips stuttered.

I thrust a few more times and then let out a soft cry, finally releasing into the condom. Dan gave a loud cry as he felt me pulse against his prostate, pulling even harder on the restraints. "Phil, please, please please please, oh fuck, please," he begged, holding tightly onto the scarf around his hands. I quickly slid the ring off and pumped a few times, stimulating him enough to finally come.

"Come for me love, go ahead," I gasped and he screamed, body shaking with the force of his climax. I undid the restraints around his wrists and winced at the rawness of the skin. His eyes rolled back as he finished, going completely limp against the mattress. I pulled out of him carefully, not wanting to over stimulate him and threw away the condom. I pulled him against my chest and ran a hand through his hair softly.

"Baby, Dan, come back to me love. You did so good sweetheart," I whispered softly, rubbing some feeling into his arms. I kept whispering soft things into his ear, trying to bring him down softly instead of dropping harshly. He hummed and turned slowly, nuzzling into my neck. "Are you with me baby?" I asked softly and he nodded, humming contentedly again. I smiled softly and kissed his hair, keeping up my soft rubbing on his shoulders and arm.

"Phil?" he whispered sleepily and I said, "Yeah love?" He sighed again, nuzzling into my neck and said softly, "I love you. A lot." I blinked surprised and didn't say anything for a second. He stiffened and tried to pull away but I wouldn't let him. "I'm sorry," he whispered and I shook my head.

"No, love, there's no need to be sorry. You just took me by surprise. I've been waiting to hear those words for a long time now," I replied quietly and he peeked up at me. "I love you too, Dan, so much it hurts," I said and his eyes lit up. He leaned up questioningly and I smiled, leaning down the small distance and kissing him gently.

"Be mine?" I asked once I pulled away and he smiled shyly, replying, "I've always been yours." Happiness grew in my chest and I hugged him tightly against my chest. I pressed quick kisses against his hair, cheeks and nose before finally a long, lingering one against his lips. "I love you, I love you, I love you," I whispered, absolutely overjoyed that I could say that now.

He giggled, yes, giggled, and replied, "I love you too," kissing my neck. I held him tighter and sent a quiet thank you to Conner, because if Dan had not gone to that part and had gotten tipsy, this might not have happened.

Though...

"Why would you think you could store stuff in your butthole?" I asked suddenly and he giggled. "I honestly have no idea, it just popped in my head," he said and I shook my head fondly. "You're a dork, but now, you're my dork," I said and he beamed at me before letting out a wide yawn. I laughed lightly and kissed his hair.

"Go to sleep darling, I'll be right here when you wake up," I said and he smiled, nuzzling into my neck and closing his eyes. "Goodnight Phil, I love you," he whispered, yawning again. I couldn't keep my eyes away from his face as I said happily, "Goodnight Dan, I love you too. Sweet dreams." He smiled and soon drifted off, his smile staying on his lips.

I held him close, covering us up with the blanket and closing my eyes. I would have to tell Conner what happened, I knew he'd been trying to get us together for a long time now. And now, it finally happened.

He slept in my room every night since then, from the day we said "I do" one year later, to the day his heart monitor stopped. I kept going, just barely, and soon followed him three months later.

I found him in the afterlife under a tree, very similar to the one we had had a picnic under for our first date, playing with some small flowers. He looked exactly the way he did when he first told me he loved me, 25 years old and happy.

He smiled at me and said, "Took you long enough." I grinned at him and pulled him against my chest, whispering, "Sorry I kept you waiting." He smiled and set the small crown of daisies he had made in my hair, a matching one already in his.

"I love you, Phil," he whispered and I kissed him, having missed the taste of his lips against mine. "I love you too, Dan," I replied, pulling him to the tree and sitting down with him in my lap. I had thanked Conner and the Dolan Twins over and over for that night, because now I had a beautiful man by my side, having been there since we were 18 and 22 years old.

All the way till we were in our 80s and now forever more in Heaven.

**Author's Note:**

> Whelp, this fanfic also came from my collection of one-shots on Wattpad (5 Seconds of the Pierced Sleeping Directions) and yeah, hope you all enjoyed! <3


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